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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

A-Million-Archy for you and me!

READER TIM SENDS IN THIS GREAT IDEA THAT'LL SOLVE EVERYTHING!

Ca-ching!! Can you hear that? That's the sound of peace, love and amillionarchy! Hi, my name is Tim, but my friends call me Terror Tim, because I'm so fierce and s--t. I'm not huge and tough for my age or anything, but if you get kept back enough times in high like I have you eventually get to be one of the bigger guys around.

The other day I was hanging around the mall with Malcolm (code name: Malcolmtempt) and Unsightly Stan, whose super power is always having a cloud of dirt around his body like Pigpen in the Peanuts cartoons. We were grubbing for change because we're anarchists and that's what we do. I wanted to call us Crusties but that's all Stan so it's too obvious, ya know? Anyway, we were bitching to each other about Society and Big Brother and Malcolm's mom's new BMW SUV that kills the planet when it's not dropping us off places, when a thought hit me like a billy club on the head of the oppressed masses by the evil capitalist goon squads!

Sure, I guess all it would take for the world to reject civilization and live peacefully in the huge green forest the world would turn back into in a month or two is a few Starbucks being vandalized, but in the meantime, how about stopping inequality, poverty, hunger and all that by giving everyone a million dollars? Everyone's rich and the same and there's no more reason to hate. Capitalism sucks, but so does being broke. Green Doc Marten toe stompin' boots don't grow on trees you know.

Take away all the money from the rich, who've made it all anyway off the sweat of the working class, like I did last summer when I slaved at McDonalds for a week until my parents couldn't handle my complaining anymore so they raised my allowance instead. I'm sure there's enough for everyone to get a million dollars, and if not just print more money because it's just paper, right? I made money on a xerox machine once and the clerk at the 7-11 just looked at me and asked what kind of moron I was. I was able to tell him what type exactly since I've been tested more times than a cigarette smoking monkey. One day he'll be thanking me for making him rich with that money!

Ok, so you're asking who'll clean toilets and flip burgers and sell donuts if everyone's rich. They'll have to to do it because that's part of the cooperative spirit of amillionarchy! Just like in regular anarchy. That'll be one of the conditions and maybe they'll have to sign something promising they will. Then you might ask what about people who spend all their money and are poor again. Aha! Anyone who has more than his or her million will give back the extra money into a communal fund for those with less than a million dollars to take from. It's perfect!

So, everyone will have a million dollars and we'll all be equal and we'll all be able to buy whatever we want. Anarchy is kinda the same but I don't think I'll be able to buy a new Camaro Z28 that way. My way rocks!

2 Comments:

Blogger Ratface said...

i don't about this guy, but i have a doc marten tree in my backyard. steel toes only blossom in the spring though

7:24 AM

 
Blogger Emerson said...

Ratty:

That was me who wrote that. I often assume identities. Today I'm a pirate!

8:11 AM

 

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